"Trigger warning", I guess, depression and suicide shit coming up so it that stuff upsets you pls don't read
Technically, I got a bit better in the past few weeks/month/whatever. I didn't have one of my weird breakdowns where I'd snap sometimes and I didn't isolate myself too much. Probably because I am home now so I spend most of my time alone. I guess I am a bit more social. Still, the desire to end my life doesn't go away. Which scares me. Because now it doesn't feel like an irrational spur of the moment thing I could do, but a rational decision which I can make when my mind is still 'good'. In the recent months my bodily harm patterns changed. I rarely actually do it tbh, only when my frustration gets to the point I need to. Always the same spot, I don't want it to be too obvious, I try not to draw blood, all that. Typical. But then, as it all intensified I began to strangle myself. Not like hanging or whatever, I used my hands and a type of cord and never did it for long enough to lose consciousness. It got my doctor rather worried. I make sure I always add an "but I won't do it, I'm a coward" so that she can't section me. But I am not so sure that I would not do it myself sometimes. Which scares me. The progression of my harm patterns reflects my plan. I never began doing it as a way to 'test' it, it was more because it does not leave scars. However, it also makes me feel like I am closer to the action which I want to take in that moment. Dying, that is. It's been a while since the last time I did do it. There aren't that many things that stop me from actually going through with it. I mean, I love my family. I am an only child so I don't want to fuck my parents up. I love my SO very much and he does not deserve that sort of scarring. I don't talk to most of my friends anymore. It is safe that way. Another issue is funeral arrangements. I don't want to be buried in my home country. I also do not want it to be a religious burial. No priests, no talk of God or the afterlife, I want none of that. I don't know how I'd pass that information on to my family without getting them worried. I hate the idea of any religious things being associated with me being gone. Although I am not a great person, perhaps I would deserve at least that much respect. The issue of pain is also rather important. I do not like how it feels. Also, I have that very human instinct to survive. No matter how much my mind wants me to die, it also feels a sort of revulsion to the idea of death. It is weird to explain. Maybe my desire is not strong enough. I dunno. I'd like to pull myself out of it. It is very difficult, though. I had good weeks before, but then they went away and were not back since. There is also a cultural aspect to depression. It took over a large part of my identity which cannot be replaced promptly and I don't know how to fix it. It isn't like I am choosing this sort of life for myself, but similarly, it is a state of mind I am 'comfortable' in. I know numbness, frustration, melancholy. However, feelings of joy, surprise, and excitement became strangers. I do feel them to some extent, however, it is as though they're muted. Sort of like how you hear sound when you are under water. You hear it, but without clarity. My mind blocks those emotions, it's how it feels like. I have to always exaggerate my reactions to the feeling to seem somewhat normal. I don't know what to do. I probably won't die. If I disappear (again), it is likely just because I had something come up, so don't worry about me too much (if you are worrying, I dunno, we are technically strangers) and I am living life as usual. I dunno. What I am feeling is by no means unique, but hell, I guess people like to be heard.
"Asshole behaviour" is different from somebody being an asshole. Similarly, immature behaviour is different from somebody being immature. I am speaking regarding some people's actions with regards to this matter, not their overall character. I actually am fond of most of the users who bashed her before which is why this surprises me. But if you want to argue further, PM me.
Only putting in my own two cents. I have seen many threads being reduced to appearance bashing and at that point the thread loses its point. Healthy discussion is important and my tone was not argumentative at all. Either way, yes, it is what it is but does not mean that nothing could be done about it.
Besides, Sarah is generally a rather boring personality tbh. Her character has no substance, she's doing the same thing over and over and never learns. I miss the times when there was drama with her father or actually something going on. She's gotten very repetitive. Same old fake deep shit, same old plagiarism, same old pseudoscience. There is just nothing to her. To me, she seems to lack charisma because I see her as almost without personality. I don't really know what kind of person she is with the exception of her lies, trying to seem smart, but really, she has no individuality. Which is kind of sad because for many personalities, well, they actually have personality.
Kind of going back to an old point but this seems to be quite common in the thread. Only caught up today. Tbh IDGAF what she looks like. Model or not, there is a demand for all types of bodies, toned, not toned, skinny, fat, average, curvy, whatever. She's a model, but ultimately her flushing her career down her drain by not working on her body as some high fashion models do is her choice. She wants to be the instagram style thing girls do, she's going about it completely the wrong way, but I'm not going to go telling her what to do or not do. We can discuss it however we want, of course, but I think that her career becoming goat shit is not because of her body or exercise regimen, but because of her lying and padding, and other actions which changed her image. Her natural body is really only her business and perhaps the business of her employer. Bashing her body, insulting her, calling her fat (when she's not, she seems to have relatively wide hips and waist and the padding doesn't help), et cetera is rather inappropriate. And I am saying this not in the purpose of being a WK. It is the reason due to which PULL supposedly exists. We are here to discuss snowflake actions, their behaviour. In Sarah's case it is photoshop, eye implants, her being an asshole, padding, being a liar, all that crap. We can discuss her career if we really must, but do we have to stoop as low as to continually bash her? Everybody is entitled to an opinion, however, insulting whatever natural she shows of her body in a rather derogatory manner is asshole behaviour. Perhaps we couldn't care less, but honestly it is immature and there are so many different ways to say what we have to say.
Yeah, she blew her chance of being a successful model. She gets some jobs, she ruined her career, but I don't think it is because she is 'fat'. It is because of that ugly ass implant and the padding. The padding makes her waist look thick and drowns it out. Naturally she'd look more like a pear shape if she let her bust look like it is naturally, but unfortunately she makes herself appear wider which is not a good look for a model. Doesn't make her look fat, just less appealing. Her ass isn't as flat as most people said, as was mentioned by another user that she just pulls her thong so far up that her 'ass' is actually 'ass and parts of lower back' which also visually shortens her torso. Basically, she makes decisions to make her body appear less flattering than it would otherwise, not because her natural body is ugly, but because how she goes about flaunting it is. Either way, I tend to prefer criticising actions and behaviour rather than somebody's natural appearance. When it is fake, sure, let's talk about it. But there is so little we can do about our face and body without going under the knife. I don't understand why so many PULL users love to bash a person's face, saying they shouldn't be models et cetera. There is a market for everything. Pretty faces, average faces, 'ugly' faces. Different companies go for a different look and implying that a person should not be working their job based on their appearance is wrong because chances are there are employers looking just for that. Sure, there is a 'look' most employers go for in modelling, but there are exceptions.
Been a while. BTW, thanks Toko, saying I'm one of the users you like with the current PULL. I like you too I have all my exams over and done with so I got the f out of London as soon as I could. Part of me wonders how old people on PULL perceive me to be lol. 'Tis all a secret though. Anyway, exams were over about three weeks ago. I haven't been on PULL partly because I couldn't be bothered to catch up on many threads and partly because many of the threads I follow degraded a big bit and catching up with new threads isn't something I feel like doing currently. I get tired a lot lately.
I started taking antidepressants but for now it's not long enough for them to have any profound effect on my state of mind. Been about a month on 20mg. I was initially on 10mg because I began during exams and didn't want to have the side effects of mental state getting even worse. All was good. Mentally, I am relatively okay except the occasional mind buzz, nothing out of the ordinary. Didn't want to go down the pill route, but after my father convincing me they helped him in the past I decided to give it a go. If nothing else helps, maybe this could. Either way, I've missed you all. I really do love PULL despite the occasional flaws and thread derails, overall I enjoy the sense of community with members who are settled and with whom I have established a rapport. Sure, we are fucking assholes sometimes but that's most of the fun of it. At the same time, I appreciate PULL for being one of the more balanced forums. I mean, not perfectly so, but much nicer and reasonable than lolcow in most circumstances lol. Yeah, I ramble. Tbh I try to abstain from showing any emotion, but damn, love y'all.
Teenage girls with little experience often jump at the chance of dating an older man, or else a man who seems to be 'dominant' in a way. When you're new to relationships it is much more likely you don't see signs of abuse and let manipulation slide.
It could be an illness related to an issue in metabolising amino acids, something similar to PKU. Some of those diseases may have an onset in adults when symptoms first appear when the build up of different substances finally becomes toxic. But I don't know what disease her mother has so I can't say for sure what the problem is, but trouble digesting animal products is in line with amino acid metabolism disorders so it sounds realistic, I don't think she is lying tbh.
Does she not understand that good times will come when she gets off the internet, takes care of her own life without harassing Venus, and keeps social media only for close family and friends? This woman...