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"Why am I your friend?" experiences?


54 posts in this topic

Posted

Just recently I've been having tons of moments where I've been questioning why I'm friends with people. :/

Just in case my friend finds this thread I'll just refer to him as A.

A organised a party because school has ended and soon most of us will be going to uni so it's sort of a goodbye party thing. A had made a group chat to discuss the details, but as it turned out the group chat had existed for a few months and I was the last person added. I was curious as to why literally everyone except me had been added almost straight away, so I decided to scroll up and read the older messages. This was a big mistake. They'd all been talking about a person who no one had named, but I can only assume it was me from the things they had said. I honestly feel so stabbed in the back because I have never talked about any of them behind their backs or done or said anything to offend any of them nor has anyone seemed to have had any problems with me. What makes me feel worse is that people who A rarely even talks to were in the chat before me and were also talking about me. I wish I had never agreed to go to the party now because I can tell I'll just be miserable. I'm honestly so shocked that A has acted like this because he literally has never said anything bad about anyone and we've never argued once so it just seems so out of character.

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Just recently I've been having tons of moments where I've been questioning why I'm friends with people. :/

Just in case my friend finds this thread I'll just refer to him as A.

A organised a party because school has ended and soon most of us will be going to uni so it's sort of a goodbye party thing. A had made a group chat to discuss the details, but as it turned out the group chat had existed for a few months and I was the last person added. I was curious as to why literally everyone except me had been added almost straight away, so I decided to scroll up and read the older messages. This was a big mistake. They'd all been talking about a person who no one had named, but I can only assume it was me from the things they had said. I honestly feel so stabbed in the back because I have never talked about any of them behind their backs or done or said anything to offend any of them nor has anyone seemed to have had any problems with me. What makes me feel worse is that people who A rarely even talks to were in the chat before me and were also talking about me. I wish I had never agreed to go to the party now because I can tell I'll just be miserable. I'm honestly so shocked that A has acted like this because he literally has never said anything bad about anyone and we've never argued once so it just seems so out of character.

 

To be honest that's something similar that has been going on with my friendship group too after the "senior incident" and some more...

I think this is one of the times where we should take the cues that our "friends" are giving us. They don't really care about you... Probably struggle to understand themselves too... Hence, they don't want to be "mean to your face" - But oh GOD, they'll freely do it to your back. Typical.

You don't have to go to the party - You can just decide to get a job before then. You can go off to volunteer to work at an event that is coming up around your town and etc. You don't have to go although you were invited. You can always skip out in the last minute. I doubt it'd be good for your health to be around them.

But wait, I forgot something - if you're especially close to one of them.... - I think it's important that you talk to him/her about it - "Why were you talking/discussing about me on the chat like that?" - Try and reconcile. Honestly if you just assume everything like this.... You won't feel any better....... You can try and understand things from his/her POV ; If they're not honest with you about it. Drop it.

You've got to leave this party. Your health is more important.

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To be honest that's something similar that has been going on with my friendship group too after the "senior incident" and some more...

I think this is one of the times where we should take the cues that our "friends" are giving us. They don't really care about you... Probably struggle to understand themselves too... Hence, they don't want to be "mean to your face" - But oh GOD, they'll freely do it to your back. Typical.

You don't have to go to the party - You can just decide to get a job before then. You can go off to volunteer to work at an event that is coming up around your town and etc. You don't have to go although you were invited. You can always skip out in the last minute. I doubt it'd be good for your health to be around them.

But wait, I forgot something - if you're especially close to one of them.... - I think it's important that you talk to him/her about it - "Why were you talking/discussing about me on the chat like that?" - Try and reconcile. Honestly if you just assume everything like this.... You won't feel any better....... You can try and understand things from his/her POV ; If they're not honest with you about it. Drop it.

You've got to leave this party. Your health is more important.

 

Yeah, I guess they aren't really as good friends as I had thought.

About the party, I'll probably try to make an excuse last minute or something I guess. I don't really want to confront them about it because I doubt I'll see any of them again now, so I don't really want to cause any conflict. But, it could be worth finding out what issue they actually have with me I guess and it would probably help me feel better knowing.

Thanks for the advice :)

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Yeah, I guess they aren't really as good friends as I had thought.

About the party, I'll probably try to make an excuse last minute or something I guess. I don't really want to confront them about it because I doubt I'll see any of them again now, so I don't really want to cause any conflict. But, it could be worth finding out what issue they actually have with me I guess and it would probably help me feel better knowing.

Thanks for the advice :)

 

Even though i do recommend you trying to figure out why they said those things and tried to leave you out, from my past experiences anyway, sometimes friends or people close to you may give excuses that aren't the full truth.

Like how one time i went to my friends house in middle school (when flip phones were still in use and smart phones were too damn expensive). I got a call from an unknown number which turned out to be one of my other friends and the members of her girl scout troupe (GIRL...SCOUTS) and they basically called me a fat bitch and called me an sissy even though i still don't think i did anything at the time to make her say those things to me. I confronted her in class and she said "I was just messing around! You take things too seriously! That's why i had to be your friend; because no one wants to be friends with a emotional baby." So basically she was being very hostile and making me feel like the offender when she was the one who called me from an unknown number just to torment me.

So yeah, try to find out why they did those things, but maybe at your own risk. If they were that sneaky behind your back, do you really think they would tell you the truth of why they did that in the first place? I never really trust anyone if they talk behind my back like that, no matter how many years i've been their friend. Possibly try to reconcile like the other person said, but possibly take it with a grain of salt, you know? Someone who does that wouldn't really want to tell you everything truthfully unless they actually felt bad about it, which nine times out of ten, isn't what they are feeling.

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Yeah, I guess they aren't really as good friends as I had thought.

About the party, I'll probably try to make an excuse last minute or something I guess. I don't really want to confront them about it because I doubt I'll see any of them again now, so I don't really want to cause any conflict. But, it could be worth finding out what issue they actually have with me I guess and it would probably help me feel better knowing.

Thanks for the advice :)

 

Please take Dakoti-Fang's advice too. I forgot to mention the scenario where people can't be honest with you because it's probably been heavily rooted into their minds of the sort of thoughts and the way they've been "taught to act towards you" by their people - And especially the "Queen Bee", if there is one...

It's true that they won't be honest with you 100% as well............. I remember another girl got harassed for being good at sports. She wasn't "skinny enough" and she was rather muscular so her social group would make mean comments about her (Her friends were the really pretty and insta-typical type of girls.). I also remember that she had come to me for help one time and was crying because her group had further excluded and ridiculed her because she had tried to reconcile with them.

I hope you haven't tried talking to them about it yet..... Because I will be guilty forever if you did. I didn't think about this scenario till now................................... :alpacadone:

Yep. I can't sleep tonight.... :| ..... School school school school school schoolschool...

By the way, it turns out that prank calls where people scream in your ear at 3AM in the morning is a typical thing , huh? I also dealt with that two nights ago. Same comments, same thing..... Lots of laughing in the background......

However I don't know who did it.

.... Oh well.

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@maybthis I'm sorry you had to deal with someone so two faced, one of the things I'm wondering is what was her motivation?- she sounded so aggressive, and to do that because she was bored or as an experiment doesn't seem like a reason.  You said she was a friend of your ex, personally I think she probably had strong feelings for your ex and was jealous of the attention you got from them, I wouldn't be surprised if she was a behind the scenes factor in your breakup, she probably planted the seed of paranoia and told a few lies to get you two to breakup. I don't like using the "oh they're just jealous" line because it gets thrown about so much, but that girl sounds incredibly jealous, like deep down she envied more than your relationship, might have been jealous of your grades, maybe your success in hobbies, maybe you had a closer group of friends than her or something.  But I'd guess at heart that she wanted to be with your ex and wanted to sabotage you, the textbook definition of "frenemies"

but at the end, remember to look after yourself, when people like that come along, it's usually because they want something that you have, you're not a bad person because you've become their target, I don't know how your friendship circle is now, but I dare say she's tried to turn friends against you, if they're easily swayed, they're not good people to have around and don't deserve your friendship. I truly hope that you find something you can put your heart into that gives you inspiration and pride because in my experience, people very rarely catch on to cries for help and that just leads to a downward spiral.  A few people in this thread have been in the position of finding these bad friends when they're vulnerable and that seems to be how they operate, kicking you when you're down.

i hope things get better x

 

TikkusMeep, I didn't really respond fully to this because I was busy but now I am free for a bit before going off to school. :) Meeting her has taught me that some people may seem nice to your face, but it is hard to tell what they are really thinking.... Maybe I should've seen it coming since she and I never talked about anything else except about him.... And him... And him.......... But I still can't stop blaming myself...

Also cannot imagine her being jealous of me. Too difficult to understand what people are thinking.... But from the way I see her, she is older than me; I think a lot of boys would date a girl like her - Older = More mature and more pretty, right?? And she say I'm shorter and fatter... Uglier and rounder..... Stupid and not very interesting............... <-- Hate to say this but I agree.

My grades are not the best. But I do sometimes get above average. When I get 100%, I know people start ignoring me.... So these days, just get my results and not let anyone see and don't talk about it........... I think there was a rumor about me being lazy but still managing to pass exams.... But they don't know the truth... I stay up till 2am to finish everything and barely get enough sleep - Maybe this is also why I get called ugly too because my skin is not clear....................... I also don't know these people very well so I don't know why they don't get to know me first before jumping to conclusions like this.

Thank you for your kind words again. You lifted me up a lot. I think if I want to get away from these bad friends, I will have to change groups.......... In senior years this is hard. Everyone is already close together. And I don't talk much to other people too because I know my group are spreading things to other people outside our group too.

Too scared to move away.

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Even though i do recommend you trying to figure out why they said those things and tried to leave you out, from my past experiences anyway, sometimes friends or people close to you may give excuses that aren't the full truth.

Like how one time i went to my friends house in middle school (when flip phones were still in use and smart phones were too damn expensive). I got a call from an unknown number which turned out to be one of my other friends and the members of her girl scout troupe (GIRL...SCOUTS) and they basically called me a fat bitch and called me an sissy even though i still don't think i did anything at the time to make her say those things to me. I confronted her in class and she said "I was just messing around! You take things too seriously! That's why i had to be your friend; because no one wants to be friends with a emotional baby." So basically she was being very hostile and making me feel like the offender when she was the one who called me from an unknown number just to torment me.

So yeah, try to find out why they did those things, but maybe at your own risk. If they were that sneaky behind your back, do you really think they would tell you the truth of why they did that in the first place? I never really trust anyone if they talk behind my back like that, no matter how many years i've been their friend. Possibly try to reconcile like the other person said, but possibly take it with a grain of salt, you know? Someone who does that wouldn't really want to tell you everything truthfully unless they actually felt bad about it, which nine times out of ten, isn't what they are feeling.

 

Thanks for the advice, I've not spoken to them yet. I didn't really think about whether or not they'd tell me the truth so I guess you're right that they probably won't. I'll try to sneakily ask them what their problem is or something, but if I don't think they're being honest I'll just try to cut them from my life.

 

 

Please take Dakoti-Fang's advice too. I forgot to mention the scenario where people can't be honest with you because it's probably been heavily rooted into their minds of the sort of thoughts and the way they've been "taught to act towards you" by their people - And especially the "Queen Bee", if there is one...

It's true that they won't be honest with you 100% as well............. I remember another girl got harassed for being good at sports. She wasn't "skinny enough" and she was rather muscular so her social group would make mean comments about her (Her friends were the really pretty and insta-typical type of girls.). I also remember that she had come to me for help one time and was crying because her group had further excluded and ridiculed her because she had tried to reconcile with them.

I hope you haven't tried talking to them about it yet..... Because I will be guilty forever if you did. I didn't think about this scenario till now................................... :alpacadone:

Yep. I can't sleep tonight.... :| ..... School school school school school schoolschool...

By the way, it turns out that prank calls where people scream in your ear at 3AM in the morning is a typical thing , huh? I also dealt with that two nights ago. Same comments, same thing..... Lots of laughing in the background......

However I don't know who did it.

.... Oh well.

 

Haha Don't feel guilty, I haven't spoken to them yet, but I might try to tomorrow. I think that it'll help me clear my mind a bit, if they lie to me I've decided that I just won't speak to them again. ^_^

 

Those prank calls sound kind of scary :alpacaworry2:

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I had a friend who I was immensely close to in my weeb phase in middle school and when we entered high school it began to get kind of rocky. For the first half of the year I attended another school in the district and noticed we stopped messaging each other as frequently, she continued watching anime, drawing anime dudes, and meeting other people who shared the same interests. At this time the whole weaboo thing kinda ended for me and as the "Japanese glamour" faded and what I was left with was a bunch of socially awkward teens bonding over how hot an anime dude seemed. Don't get me wrong the people in the club seemed to be genuinely nice but their actions during club meetings were cringey and just plain embarrassing.

So when I left that high school and attended the one with my friend our friendship seemed to mend itself a bit. It didn't last for long though because a month in I noticed how much of a downer she was. She was incredibly pessimistic and often times spent too much time on her phone while we talked, but I think what really sealed the deal was her constantly talking about yaoi and obsessing over it with her other girlfriends. While she denied to still be in a weaboo phase her borderline obsession with two anime boys fucking and subtle Asian guy fetish begged to differ. 

It was hard to like someone who constantly criticized my old relationship habits too, and when the next school year came in we distanced ourselves some more. I can't say I'm surprised though I mean it was bound to happen.

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@swagswag. It sounds like you kinda outgrew your friend, it's hard to face up to, but when you're around someone who's constantly pessimistic, no matter how much you try to engage or motivate them, it sucks to hit the point of asking why you're friends because you often feel kinda guilty.

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A lot of people nowadays feel as if they are entitled to a friendship with someone, which is never the case. Differing interests or simply bad chemistry with someone can evolve from a friendship, and just because you were friends at one point doesn't mean you will be friends forever.

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A question triggered so constantly during my never-ending fights with one of my closest friends. Our friendship was forged since the wee age of 12; but "growing up" has set our differences apart increasingly. She's more material driven, whereas I am... Well... Me. Which is frustrating since we don't "get" each other. The only thing we have in common seems to be our sharp tongues, and that has gotten us into situations where the both of us were left teary-eyed and storming away from each other. 

But like siblings, the extended time we've spent together hasn't gone to waste. Despite all the quarrels, we still manage to find it in our hearts to make up, and I know she will always be there for me like I always will be for her. 

But still... WHY AM I STILL FRIENDS WITH A MONSTER?! UGH!

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In the video "Why Politically Correct Offends Me" by comedian John Cleese (from Monty Python), he mentions a great quote from a famous psychologist that "People who can't control their emotions, try to control others emotions".  

This is true.  I'd add those very same people try to project their behavior onto others as well.  

All my bad experiences friendship-wise were from people who were very sensitive.  

Then stabbed me in the back later.  

I've learned my lesson. Be highly selective of the people you choose to friend with.  It's better to have no friends than to have fake friends.   

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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the advice, I've not spoken to them yet. I didn't really think about whether or not they'd tell me the truth so I guess you're right that they probably won't. I'll try to sneakily ask them what their problem is or something, but if I don't think they're being honest I'll just try to cut them from my life.

 

 

Haha Don't feel guilty, I haven't spoken to them yet, but I might try to tomorrow. I think that it'll help me clear my mind a bit, if they lie to me I've decided that I just won't speak to them again. ^_^

 

Those prank calls sound kind of scary :alpacaworry2:

 

I'm the type to watch out for my fellow humans!! hahaha.....

Another thing is that some people cannot accept losing contact with you so there might be rumours - If there aren't any mean rumours and jokes floating around already, that is - And you'll just have to do what you have to do. Keep your head up, make sure you take care of yourself and your needs, believe in yourself and work hard for YOUR future.

What you do next after talking to them will change things.

And yes they are :lamasad: I feel all pained sometimes when I lack sleep cause of it... Maybe I should switch numbers soon. :)

Edited by maybthis
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I had a crazy friend. I will call her ''B''.
One time I told her in a joking way/not srs "you're dumb"  and she looked at me and said "What did you call me? Don't ever call me like that blabla" and she became so angry and insulted me that I cried then she saw me crying and tried to hug me and I ignored her.

I tried to talk for the first time about my social anxiety to B bc I trusted her and what she answered me was " Are you stupid???" so I never talked about it.
Then I made a new friend "G" .

One time I was with B, G and another girl and I was talking to G and she told us to stop talking and said "I'm counting to 3 and if you're still here I'm going to punch you". At first I thought she was joking but she was deadass serious so I got very scared and run away with G.

We had to make team of 2 for some work and I was with B
After class I told my friend G if we could be together bc I didn't want to do it with B. (she always do everything and never let me to do something then say that I don't work.)
So the next day before class I told her that I was going to work with G. 
She looked at me as if she wanted to kill me and was really angry.

At my last year of high school she was in my class with 2 of her friends and my friends (G) were in another class so I was alone. 
We had to make teams and I asked this girl (which is also friends with B) if we could be together and she told me "Sorry I'm with someone else, but you can be with B" and B was just behind on her phone not even looking at me then said "Why are you telling me to be with her? I don't want to be with her ew" 
My face was all red, I asked the teacher if I could go to the restroom and I cried the whole time and stayed until the class ended. 
Finally I didn't do the project and stayed home while B was in team with the two other girls.

There was a time I thought "Why am I friends with someone who hurts me, is crazy af, only thinks of herself, who wants to hit me, ignore me and acts so possessive" 
A lot more happened. And we're not friends anymore but I wish we never met

Edited by kohh
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@kohh O.o wow this girl really sounds like she cannot take anything less than absolute ass kissing if she flipped out at a joking remark and carried it with her that long. It sounds like she would of caused a lot of anxiety to be around. I don't get how people like that have friends.  

I went to school with a girl who sounds exactly like that, I never once heard her support or compliment her friends, she'd out right just insult them for no reason and a few times her friend s looked like they were on the verge of tears, she didn't even hide behind a veneer of pretending to be sweet, she was committed to being constantly vicious. 

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