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"Why am I your friend?" experiences?


50 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey guys,

So, I just finished reading the "Copy-Cats" thread (interesting read), and it got me thinking about sh*tty friendship experiences, one friendship I can think of in particular springs to mind.  it was actually quite nice to relate to others experiences, I guess it's something that doesn't get aired so much when you have mutual friends or have been friends for a long time.

so anyway;  

Have you ever had a moment where you've had to sit and ask yourself "why am I this persons friend?"

Interpret this how you want, I'm in the mood for reading PULL members experiences :)

 

Edited by TikkusMeep
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Funny, this is related to my recent post in TNT's thread about Grace enjoying being the token white person in Japan. I'll have to be vague-ish to avoid giving away details about myself, but I'll contribute to this thread.

The one that fits this the most happened while in Japan. I found myself asking this question a lot while living abroad. But there was one girl, who I found myself wondering about this often. Within two weeks of knowing each other she declared me her best friend. We partied together a lot. When going out local Japanese guys would ask where we're from, she would say "we're both AMERICAN." Even though she's 100% Japanese and never been to US. I found it odd but she was my first local friend that spoke great English, so I just rolled with it, ignoring the signs. She insisted I meet all her friends, every outing was selfie central to upload online. It kept going and going and going.

I didn't really start getting annoyed with it until she constantly brought up my race and relating them to stereotypes. Like a Lana Del Ray song? "You're such a WHITE GIRL, SIWON!" Get Starbucks "Such a white girl thing!" She would post our photos and say in Japanese "You guys, would have never guessed my BFF would end up being a foreigner!" I was getting so so so worn down by it lol my then BF even asked why is this girl your best friend? She's downright obsessed because of your race, this is gaijin hunting without any sex.

You're probably wondering well, why were you her friend??? Simple, my first group of friends had all eventually moved. So I was lonely and really wanted to try and make local friends to pick up on the language. Despite the token status, she was always there to be helpful and was more than happy to assist me in navigation, especially with language. She protected me from creeps and took me home when I was too drunk.

And then you wonder, why not just be honest and bring it up? Well, she was extremely sensitive. If I didn't see her once a week she would send a text on LINE "I have a feeling you're mad at me." Ughhh. But yeah, Lonliness mixed with she wasn't a terrible person. I think she was just obsessed with America and wanted to show off her knowledge(???).

Living in Japan (or Asia in general) is a wild ride, y'all. :drool:

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@Siwon that sounds like a good tough call to be fair,  it definitely sounds like you were a novelty to her but I can also imagine it was good having someone to help you navigate in a new country :) 

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Posted (edited)

I've had some instances like this. I was friends with this mean guy who was negative and critical of anything I said or did. I confronted him over the way he treated me numerous times and even told him he made me cry. He apologized, but went right back to his old ways. He did this thing I disliked where he would take a screenshot of my texts and then send them to me to prove I was wrong about something. It made me uncomfortable and made me feel stupid. Even after telling him this he continued. I still hung out with him after that because at that time I was so lonely and he had the same interests as I.

Then at some point I started feeling funny about him. I used to follow through with plans, but then found myself cancelling on him at the last minute. Eventually I began to realize it was because I dreaded the idea of hanging out with him. Hanging out with him felt like a chore more than anything. I just couldn't stand him at all anymore. He became so toxic that I questioned myself, "Why am I his friend?" He would beg me to see him and apologized, even though he clearly wasn't sorry because he still insulted me over text. I ended the friendship saying that I no longer wanted to be his friend because he's a diva who will never change his ways. Shame because he used to be cool and fun to be around.

Edited by Virgo
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@Virgo

he sounds a lot like a guy I was best friends with for years, he made me incredibly insecure about eating around him after one day he turned to me with a look of utter disgust and said "ugh, ok I can't not say something, you chew really loud. It's putting me off my food." - the thing is, when I've mentioned it to others, they've said its insane, they can't hear anything.

Then he'd do things like me the butt of a joke to look big online, I'd literally have to like a status and if someone else had commented he'd write something like "haha, XXX wishes she could look like xyz". I'd told him so many times that I didn't like it or find it funny, but like you said, he'd apologise and go back to insulting me.  A mutual friend even told him he was taking it a bit too far. 

I was working on a personal project and he did nothing but put me down, I used to enjoy spending time with him but there were always subtle put downs along the way.  It came to a head when I just had a night out in a bar with a new group of people and realised I felt care free and wasnt being judged.  I steadily stopped hanging out with him and he called me out, I told him I couldn't handle his negativity and he made me out to be some phoney bitch and blocked me on everything.  Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of great memories with him but I couldn't handle the constant criticism.  I think at the core of it, he didn't like the idea of me following my dreams or excelling and him being left behind.

friends are supposed to lift you up and support you, so it's good to hear you realised you were dreading hanging out with him, he can't have been good for your self esteem and I hope you have a better group of people around you now x

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@Virgo

he sounds a lot like a guy I was best friends with for years, he made me incredibly insecure about eating around him after one day he turned to me with a look of utter disgust and said "ugh, ok I can't not say something, you chew really loud. It's putting me off my food." - the thing is, when I've mentioned it to others, they've said its insane, they can't hear anything.

Then he'd do things like me the butt of a joke to look big online, I'd literally have to like a status and if someone else had commented he'd write something like "haha, XXX wishes she could look like xyz". I'd told him so many times that I didn't like it or find it funny, but like you said, he'd apologise and go back to insulting me.  A mutual friend even told him he was taking it a bit too far. 

I was working on a personal project and he did nothing but put me down, I used to enjoy spending time with him but there were always subtle put downs along the way.  It came to a head when I just had a night out in a bar with a new group of people and realised I felt care free and wasnt being judged.  I steadily stopped hanging out with him and he called me out, I told him I couldn't handle his negativity and he made me out to be some phoney bitch and blocked me on everything.  Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of great memories with him but I couldn't handle the constant criticism.  I think at the core of it, he didn't like the idea of me following my dreams or excelling and him being left behind.

friends are supposed to lift you up and support you, so it's good to hear you realised you were dreading hanging out with him, he can't have been good for your self esteem and I hope you have a better group of people around you now x

 

Oh my goodness! The similarities between your story and mine are so much alike! It's crazy how people like this exist and don't see how their behavior is bad. I take it you going to a bar means this drama happened after high school. I can't believe some adults act like this after high school!

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Posted (edited)

Funny, this is related to my recent post in TNT's thread about Grace enjoying being the token white person in Japan. I'll have to be vague-ish to avoid giving away details about myself, but I'll contribute to this thread.

 :drool:

 

I also had a similar experience.  It wasn't about being a foreigner.  We were the same race, but there was this "insta" friend.  I was living abroad and lonely and met her (before I started living in Peru for a little while).  She instantly starting sharing all these "secrets" within the first meeting.  That should have been a red flag.  I realize now she was a narcissists and that she was love-bombing me as a friend and sharing the "dirt" on herself in order to get me to tell my secrets.  

However, I didn't realize that and so didn't share much on myself.  All my life I'd struggled with friendships.  Most of my real friends took years to make and were hard-earned. I cycled through a lot of cliques and problematic people.  

But with this girl it was so easy and quick.  She instantly started introducing me as her "best" friend to others. She flattered me and put me on a pedestal.  (That's how narcs do it).  


Then out of the blue, on a day that was very important to me when I'd be vulnerable, she cut ties with me.  Apparently, she'd been going behind my back to those very friends she'd once praised me in front of and started calling me "toxic" and started bad rumors about me.  

One of my "sins" against her was that I wasn't friendly enough to her husband.  This from a girl who told me how she'd sneak into his personal social media accounts when he was in the shower and write in his "name" to drive a wedge between him and his female friends, then delete the evidence.  Her husband was none the wiser.  

Frankly, her stories of control and jealousy over her husband scared me. The guy was clueless and blind to all she did behind his back. He still is.

I realize now that she viewed relationships like possessions. She wanted people she could manipulate and control who would do whatever she asked without question.  When I wouldn't play the part, I was discarded.  

  I should have run away.  Sometimes all three of us would be together and she'd just be staring in this very eerie way, judging every interaction, and seemed to believe every single person was out to steal her "property" (husband).  Looking back, I remember my skin rose in goosebumps from something in that stare.  It was very creepy.   

In person you couldn't have more than a five minute conversation before she'd interrupt by getting "affectionate" and making sure his attention was on her.  She always needed the attention on herself.  

Another red flag was when she told me of dozens and dozens of the "toxic" friends who'd hurt her and how'd she blocked them out.  She always told me "don't worry I'd never do that to you because you're my best friend".  And I foolishly believed her.  She never would tell how she got rid of these "toxic" people, but she made me feel like a knight in white armor.  

It was a very good lesson in real friendship.  I appreciate my hard-earned ones who stick on my side. Even the ones I'd introduced to her chose me.  She of course defriended all of them because she can't stand the thought that she might be the truly "toxic" one.  

Edited by Life In Peru
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This happened in middle school, so the experience itself is slightly juvenile, but bear with me. 

My "friend" and I went to see a play at our school, and her mom offered to drive us there, and my mom back. Everything was fine up until the end, when everyone was filing out of the auditorium. I walked out with my friend when we she sees her other friend, and she runs up and says hello. Now, at this point, she's basically full-on ignoring me while I'm being a third-wheel to their conversation. This is the type of thing that I later on realize is pretty common with her; if she sees someone "cooler" than the person's she's talking to, she will snap right out of the conversation and start talking to them, ignoring whomever she was talking to previously. So here I am, just waiting for her to finish, when she says to the other girl, "Can your mom drive me home?" 

That pissed me off. One, it was rude to my mother who so graciously offered to drive her back home, for her to just bail on her and two, it was encroaching on the other girl's plans. At this point I didn't really care how she got home or not, but I didn't want to explain to my mother where my friend was if she did decide to go home with the other girl. I cut in right there, saying that my mom was driving us home, REMEMBER??? And she just goes, "oh yeah." The whole ride home she was just texting on her phone, making very little conversation, so thank god it was only a 10 minute drive. 

I kind of dealt with her for all of high school after that because at glance she comes off as a very friendly, outgoing, and independent person. Underneath she's pretty manipulative and is most definitely a social climber and I'm glad we lost touch in college. 

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This happened in middle school, so the experience itself is slightly juvenile, but bear with me. 

My "friend" and I went to see a play at our school, and her mom offered to drive us there, and my mom back. Everything was fine up until the end, when everyone was filing out of the auditorium. I walked out with my friend when we she sees her other friend, and she runs up and says hello. Now, at this point, she's basically full-on ignoring me while I'm being a third-wheel to their conversation. This is the type of thing that I later on realize is pretty common with her; if she sees someone "cooler" than the person's she's talking to, she will snap right out of the conversation and start talking to them, ignoring whomever she was talking to previously. So here I am, just waiting for her to finish, when she says to the other girl, "Can your mom drive me home?" 

That pissed me off. One, it was rude to my mother who so graciously offered to drive her back home, for her to just bail on her and two, it was encroaching on the other girl's plans. At this point I didn't really care how she got home or not, but I didn't want to explain to my mother where my friend was if she did decide to go home with the other girl. I cut in right there, saying that my mom was driving us home, REMEMBER??? And she just goes, "oh yeah." The whole ride home she was just texting on her phone, making very little conversation, so thank god it was only a 10 minute drive. 

I kind of dealt with her for all of high school after that because at glance she comes off as a very friendly, outgoing, and independent person. Underneath she's pretty manipulative and is most definitely a social climber and I'm glad we lost touch in college. 

 

Ugh! I would have stopped speaking to her as soon as middle school ended. Could careless if I had to see her in high school. Then again throughout my life I've mastered the "awkward" treating-people-like-they-don't-exist move after being ostracized by a group of bitchy girls. Seriously why do people like this exist? Is it their survival instinct or something? There will come a day when it won't matter.

Edited by Virgo
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I also had a similar experience.  It wasn't about being a foreigner.  We were the same race, but there was this "insta" friend.  I was living abroad and lonely and met her (before I started living in Peru for a little while).  She instantly starting sharing all these "secrets" within the first meeting.  That should have been a red flag.  I realize now she was a narcissists and that she was love-bombing me as a friend and sharing the "dirt" on herself in order to get me to tell my secrets.  
However, I didn't realize that and so didn't share much on myself.  All my life I'd struggled with friendships.  Most of my real friends took years to make and were hard-earned. I cycled through a lot of cliques and problematic people.  

But with this girl it was so easy and quick.  She instantly started introducing me as her "best" friend to others. She flattered me and put me on a pedestal.  (That's how narcs do it).  


Then out of the blue, on a day that was very important to me when I'd be vulnerable, she cut ties with me.  Apparently, she'd been going behind my back to those very friends she'd once praised me in front of and started calling me "toxic" and started bad rumors about me.  

One of my "sins" against her was that I wasn't friendly enough to her husband.  This from a girl who told me how she'd sneak into his personal social media accounts when he was in the shower and write in his "name" to drive a wedge between him and his female friends, then delete the evidence.  Her husband was none the wiser.  

Frankly, her stories of control and jealousy over her husband scared me. The guy was clueless and blind to all she did behind his back. He still is.

I realize now that she viewed relationships like possessions. She wanted people she could manipulate and control who would do whatever she asked without question.  When I wouldn't play the part, I was discarded.  

  I should have run away.  Sometimes all three of us would be together and she'd just be staring in this very eerie way, judging every interaction, and seemed to believe every single person was out to steal her "property" (husband).  Looking back, I remember my skin rose in goosebumps from something in that stare.  It was very creepy.   

In person you couldn't have more than a five minute conversation before she'd interrupt by getting "affectionate" and making sure his attention was on her.  She always needed the attention on herself.  

Another red flag was when she told me of dozens and dozens of the "toxic" friends who'd hurt her and how'd she blocked them out.  She always told me "don't worry I'd never do that to you because you're my best friend".  And I foolishly believed her.  She never would tell how she got rid of these "toxic" people, but she made me feel like a knight in white armor.  

It was a very good lesson in real friendship.  I appreciate my hard-earned ones who stick on my side. Even the ones I'd introduced to her chose me.  She of course defriended all of them because she can't stand the thought that she might be the truly "toxic" one.  

 

The first part of your story reminds me of the first Japanese girl I mentioned. The "love bombing" is the exact way to put it. Within the first week I pretty much knew every secret about her life, her marriage problems to her foreign husband, etc. I was amazed because if took my bff of several years a whole year to tell me she had been sexually assaulted yet this girl put it out there on day 2.

The second half reminds me of my most recent friendship fallout. A Korean girl who lived a few blocks from me so we did lunch a lot, walk to bookstores, etc. But every time I hung out with her she had a new story of some friend that was "toxic" and not treating her right, so she had to block them and move on. I just kinda laughed because I knew it would happen to me eventually. Lo and behold, one day I did not live up to her expectations and got blocked and deleted and she posted a long ranty status about "Foreigners just can't appreciate friendship like us Koreans!" lololol Later I got messages from an acquaintance of mine saying she was kicked out of their circle of friends for blocking half the squad. xD

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The first part of your story reminds me of the first Japanese girl I mentioned. The "love bombing" is the exact way to put it. Within the first week I pretty much knew every secret about her life, her marriage problems to her foreign husband, etc. I was amazed because if took my bff of several years a whole year to tell me she had been sexually assaulted yet this girl put it out there on day 2.

The second half reminds me of my most recent friendship fallout. A Korean girl who lived a few blocks from me so we did lunch a lot, walk to bookstores, etc. But every time I hung out with her she had a new story of some friend that was "toxic" and not treating her right, so she had to block them and move on. I just kinda laughed because I knew it would happen to me eventually. Lo and behold, one day I did not live up to her expectations and got blocked and deleted and she posted a long ranty status about "Foreigners just can't appreciate friendship like us Koreans!" lololol Later I got messages from an acquaintance of mine saying she was kicked out of their circle of friends for blocking half the squad. xD

 

I've noticed that too: When a person complains about all their previous friends being toxic that is usually a red flag. I mean I know it may not always be the case because in places like high school getting kicked out of groups if you're not cool enough is common. But if it seems like a person labels most people toxic then they're most likely the problem.

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I've got a short one for yous lol 

So me and my friend were out drinking and I told her I really liked this guy who I shared my apartment with at the time.
Next minute she goes and sleeps with him. 
A wise man once said "Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks."
And so I stopped talking to her. 
The end.

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Yikes why do people pull that shit? I used to have a acquaintance (definitely not a friend, bitch was a pure snow flake) who would be all over a guy she previously had zero interest in as soon as he got with one of her friends, she wasn't subtle in anyway whatsoever. As soon as they'd split, she wouldn't so much as glance at the guy.

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We had this girl that sat at our table, lets call her T. T and I didn't have much in common, other than the music that I used to listen to and our group of mutual friends. Well, T was very sensitive about anything that anyone said (and moody as hell at any given time in general). Offend her and she will go off at you. So much as look at her the wrong way and she will go off at you. But then she expects you to be nice to her anyway. Like wtf? No? She had a habit of being wrong about things, and when you would try to correct her, it would just turn into a giant shitstorm. Also, She would bitch about the smallest things. I understand that the lunch table is a good place to bitch, but don't bitch about how you have a bad grade in class b/c you don't turn in your homework and don't study at all. And don't give me the "I didn't have time" BS because L, and many other kids, were in band/choir (no studyhall), and even other activities, and  were completely capable of doing what was expected of them for their classes (i.e. homework). Anyway, it got to a point to where T and L (my other friend, they had been friends before L and I were friends) could not stand each other. She just left the table and apparently found a new group of friends that were more depressing than us. We didn't mind because for the life of us (our table) we could not fathom why we were still friends with her. We could only deal with so much bs from one person. 

Aaannnd that was when I learned that she was a Gemini. Explains everything. 

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This happened back in secondary school when I was being stalked and driven to depression by a girl in the same year as me (a story for another time if anyone is interested)

So at the time, I had no other option but to consider this she-devil as a friend. Long story short, she stalked me all the way back to my house and walked into my home, to spot that I had a Playstation 3. The next day at school, she commented about how she noticed it, and that she had one too. I responded with alright, cool. That's amazing. Great. The day after, and I wish I was joking - SHE BROUGHT HER PS3 CONTROLLER AND CHARGER TO SCHOOL. As well as a copy of Tekken. She actually decided "yes I am going to prove I have a ps3 to someone that doesn't give a shit by bringing in my controller!! Yes fab idea!!" Then during break, she took it out her bag and followed me around the grounds pretending to play a video game with it!!! People were eyeing us. I was so embarrassed but also a little worried for her, you know...? I am glad she is out of my life now, she did weird shit. 

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