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I've had a crush on one of my close friends and I finally told him the other day, he felt the same way and we were moving forward. Today he told me he couldn't be in a relationship which I understand but I still feel like a fool for trying in the first place.

 

Don't. At least now you know, and you won't be wondering "But what if......" forever.

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I have been wanting to go to Japan since I was 13, and I´m in my mid 20s now, and made a pact with myself to visit before 2020.(yikes lol) 

I have traveled all over Europe alone, countries where I didnt speak the language. was all fine.

I speak Japanese at an intermediate level and could pretty much deal with any kind of situation, even in the hospital. unless I run into Abe and he wants to have a conversation about politics in keigo or something lol.

Japan is the only country besides Austria I have REALLY ever wanted to go to. I even dream about it often. But somehow, I just can not see myself going there.

I am so fucking scared, If id go, I´d go to Kyoto, because I want to learn about Geisha culture so Kyoto seems ideal.

But I´m going to be THE FOREIGNER, I Always felt a blanket of security in Europe because I can pass in any European country for a native. and feel less threatened, and happy to know I can just blend into the crowd even with lavender colored hair lol.

And I´m not afraid to be assaulted in Japan or something, not at all. but the thought of ACTUALLY going there...idk. it scares me so much for some reason. I´d feel so naked, no blanket of security to hide under, no way to not stand out. I´d also have to go alone as I Always travel alone. I barely have friends and my boyfriend wouldn´t want to be caught dead in Japan.

I WANT TO GO SO FREAKING BAD. but my mind is like NO KIKO NO NO GET BACK IN BED AND STAY SAFE lol.

Edited by Kiko
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Okay this is gonna sound so weird, but I am uncomfortable with eating in front of certain people. Parents? Fine. Friends? Fine. Classmates? Fine. Strangers? Fine. Cousins? No. Aunts and uncles? No. Family friends? No. 

 

I only like to eat out if I'm with someone else, I feel like eating alone only further increases people's wariness of the way I eat (which I'm embarrassed by, sad to say, I feel like I chew loudly at times without meaning to) for some reason plus to me it looks socially awkward and like I have no life, otherwise I get takeout 

Edited by lowblow
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i have a habit of posting on fb or twitter (even here on PULL) that you can actually see the time posted. the time i usually post has a last number 0, 5 and 9. idk why, ocd maybe?

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nvm

Edited by Sinister
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.

Edited by ---
never mind
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i've been keeping a lot to myself ever since i can remember and sometimes i'm just waiting to explode or just cry it out. ik it's unhealthy mentally but i have no one, if i talk to other people i feel like i'm a bothersome to them and that they ignore me most of the time bc they don't want to deal with me. made me wonder what my purpose is in this world or life. i feel lost, really lost.

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I have been wanting to go to Japan since I was 13, and I´m in my mid 20s now, and made a pact with myself to visit before 2020.(yikes lol) 

I have traveled all over Europe alone, countries where I didnt speak the language. was all fine.

I speak Japanese at an intermediate level and could pretty much deal with any kind of situation, even in the hospital. unless I run into Abe and he wants to have a conversation about politics in keigo or something lol.

Japan is the only country besides Austria I have REALLY ever wanted to go to. I even dream about it often. But somehow, I just can not see myself going there.

I am so fucking scared, If id go, I´d go to Kyoto, because I want to learn about Geisha culture so Kyoto seems ideal.

But I´m going to be THE FOREIGNER, I Always felt a blanket of security in Europe because I can pass in any European country for a native. and feel less threatened, and happy to know I can just blend into the crowd even with lavender colored hair lol.

And I´m not afraid to be assaulted in Japan or something, not at all. but the thought of ACTUALLY going there...idk. it scares me so much for some reason. I´d feel so naked, no blanket of security to hide under, no way to not stand out. I´d also have to go alone as I Always travel alone. I barely have friends and my boyfriend wouldn´t want to be caught dead in Japan.

I WANT TO GO SO FREAKING BAD. but my mind is like NO KIKO NO NO GET BACK IN BED AND STAY SAFE lol.

 

you really shouldn’t be scared to go to Japan! It’s a really lovely country. Yes, it has its faults of course. But if you’re there as a tourist, people are going to be kind to you and appreciate you wanting to get to know about their culture. 

People are only going to think you’re a dumb gaijin and dislike you if you ACT like a dumb gaijin. As long as your not inconsiderate like the Jake Pauls, Kenna Sumans, Briana Slaughters and other undesirables-in-Nihon, I think you’ll be fine and have a great time x

but I understand though about not wanting to go alone. I’m desperate to go to Japan and Europe, but I don’t want to go alone just because I feel like I’m too shy to do stuff by myself.

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there were some personal cows I almost considered making a thread for, a long time ago when the drama with them was current, so, mid last year (July-Oct)

then I found out that one of them that I know of has a PULL account and is an OP of a thread in one of the personality sections. but that's like their only post, and I don't think they've been online recently. the other one may have a PULL account and lurked around me since they used to stalk me feverishly but I haven't really bothered to try and find out what it is.

one of them has an inactive lolcow thread and I didn't add said thread to lolcow... they probably think I did but I'm not responsible. they blamed me for everything including shit I did not do, so I was afraid that if I made a post when the drama was at its height that it'd come across too vendetta like. even though I'm not the only person they've creeped on.

people really hate them on the respective site that they're on, but they're not instagram personalities or gurus. They're forumers who are notable for making cringeworthy and edgy posts and openly talking about really gross sujects on a forum site, and harassing people there for disagreeing with them, rather than people who attention whore by showing their face. Which is a toxic, albeit different sort of bad from the microcelebs, instagrammers and  youtubers 

both stopped being dramatic eventually- so the well kind of dried up + they were personally threatening and harassing me as of like a fucking month ago even tho the drama was supposed to be over in October they kept exacerbating it and passive aggressively harassing , I'm glad I never tried to get them added here. they haven't done anything since to me, but I'll never see these ppl as redeemable. they were certainly wacko. the mods finally made them leave the site that we were on after putting their foot down and saying that any references to abuse/harassment/edgy shit that goes against rules would be an insta ban for them, AMEN. 

Edited by lowblow
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I feel like I'm weird and creepy, but I really grew to love this community, and even became somewhat attached to some users whose personality resonates with me a lot, even if we haven't interacted other than giving upvotes and stuff. I kinda want to be friends with some of you? :alpacabored:

My friends irl all started to feel awkward when my mental health issues started to take over my life, and distanced themselves from me and the situation, so all I have now is my boyfriend, my disfunctional family and this forum...

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I feel like I'm weird and creepy, but I really grew to love this community, and even became somewhat attached to some users whose personality resonates with me a lot, even if we haven't interacted other than giving upvotes and stuff. I kinda want to be friends with some of you? :alpacabored:

My friends irl all started to feel awkward when my mental health issues started to take over my life, and distanced themselves from me and the situation, so all I have now is my boyfriend, my disfunctional family and this forum...

 

that's why it's really hard to make friends irl cos they distance themselves from you and the situation if ever your mental health issues take over. i'm not saying all of them are like that but some do. i don't think you are weird and creepy at all. i don't really have that many friends irl or even have a bf and i have issues with my own parents, kind of feeling out of place too and this forum keeps me intact. 

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that's why it's really hard to make friends irl cos they distance themselves from you and the situation if ever your mental health issues take over. i'm not saying all of them are like that but some do. i don't think you are weird and creepy at all. i don't really have that many friends irl or even have a bf and i have issues with my own parents, kind of feeling out of place too and this forum keeps me intact. 

 

 

I feel like I'm weird and creepy, but I really grew to love this community, and even became somewhat attached to some users whose personality resonates with me a lot, even if we haven't interacted other than giving upvotes and stuff. I kinda want to be friends with some of you? :alpacabored:

My friends irl all started to feel awkward when my mental health issues started to take over my life, and distanced themselves from me and the situation, so all I have now is my boyfriend, my disfunctional family and this forum...

 

I'll your friend!! I mean, you cool and all. Most of my friends are from the internet tho 

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I'll your friend!! I mean, you cool and all. Most of my friends are from the internet tho 

 

thank you, that means a lot.

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Hmmmm I'll confess this so i can begin to get over it. 

*

*

I had a friend in high school who was really weird, he was younger than me. I befriended some kids a grade below me because all of my friends either graduated or changed schools/moved away. My ex best friend at the time went to a school across town, 30 minutes away.

This guy was super weird and was part of that idubbz-offensive humor crowd, just totally gross and awful. I only entertained him back because I didn't have anything better to do and my home life was shit. I started dating my now ex, to which the weird guy reacted like "ohhh dont date him!!!!!!!11!!11". The kid became obsessed with my relationship and eventually my entire life. This led to always texting, skyping, and facetiming. I really hated myself for letting him in my life but i didn't have a backbone then, oh well. 

Fast forward a few months, this guy basically manipulates me into doing sexual things with him. Totally wrong and awful because he was in a relationship as well. She had no idea she was dating this maniac, so I'm grateful she knows now at least.

I get back together with my ex, we happily date and have the picture perfect high school relationship, all while the weird guy is threatening to blackmail me for 6 months and driving me literally insane. I take him to court because after cutting complete contact and blocking him on everything, he wanted to murder me!! Nice!! He stalked me the entire summer after I graduated! Amazing!!!! Justice wasn't necessarily served but he's bound by a legal document to never contact me again and he changed schools. I'm not a teenager anymore but i still cant shake the paranoia that i'll run into him again or he's still following all of my social media. 

I'm not present on social media because its negative but also because i don't want him or anyone looking me up and giving them the power of assuming shit about me. Apparently he did it to other girls for years on end and I'm the one who "took him down", as if i'm some hero. It's scary to think he would've been a school shooter 100% if he didn't latch on to me, because he hated everyone in his grade and was extremely obsessed with them simultaneously. I just wonder how the other girls are doing, it breaks my heart that he did worse to other people, even raping a girl apparently. Its awful to say this... but I hope he is in very serious psychiatric care or killed himself.

Now I'm extremely cautious of my "internet footprint" and even paranoid that if I ever have some sort of "famous" job, he'll release a ton of shit about me or something. Like fuck, I really hope he moved on with his life because I dissociated so much since all that, that I can't even remember what he has on me LOL, oh well I guess. To anyone reading this, I'm sorry and I hope it never happens to you. You don't owe anyone your time and certainly your attention, so don't give it out. If someone is doing this, just tell an adult and it will stop. I was too nice and that lead me to almost being murdered LMAO I always try to teach my cousins and friends to drop the obsessive-whiny guys because its just one huge red flag for me, just so gross. 

Its kind of funny typing all of this out now, I mean its completely impossible for him to even find me now let alone this account, so that's a relief. This is why people who are victims of stalking can never find advice online because the victims are too afraid to post it, so here's my backbone and a big middle finger to that psychopath :-)))) Idgaf, I'm an adult and the feds would love to throw his ass away if he tried it again. ANYWAY thanks for reading.

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Posted (edited)

Reposting this here bc it suites this thread, and not the original thread I posted it in.

 

I hide my tracks.

 

Even though what I make efforts to hide isn't (problematic) worth hiding. (It's mostly cringey or embarrassing posts that I no longer fly or 'align' with.)

Some Sherlock might figure it out and then spread awareness of my covering.. lol maybe make a video highlighting the juice.

 

I'm also defensive about rather mundane topics. I stop myself often, but secretly feel like it's justified on occasions. My social anxiety is the root of that. Some folks might find it annoying.

 

I should write in a journal more often. I'll see my new therapist soon, but I wonder if I'll already be over this by then. I'm such a mercurial person..

Writing in this forum has become a method of therapy for me. And I honestly come here to reflect more often than I do to gossip.

I'm an extremely empathetic person. 

Added note: (I tried to make the text smaller, twice , but it appeared larger both times and I'm on mobile  dhdjskslfjjd  so here's a spoiler) 

 

I crossed that out bc reading that hours later.. my perspective is a lil different now. That statement comes off as super intense, almost as if I'm implying that I relate to anyone on here. I don't. But being empathetic in the way that I am, I find myself reflecting regardless...

I don't relate to what most people imagine when the words "attention seeker" are brought up. What I am, explicitly, is a sympathy, even empathy seeker. 

If I didn't know and internalize how futile it is to crave sympathy and softness from everyone, I would be bothered by it. 

But yeah, I'm a freaking weirdo, I overthink, I come off as one of those "not like the others" people. Or at least I think I'm coming off that way right now. Even though I know I'm not.

Bc I believe that everyone is unique and technically "not like the others." 

 

Anyway. I hope I get some karma or whatever for this. It makes me feel like some strangers get what I mean. I'll probably come back at some point and elaborate. I dunno.

Edited by krochidehehe
Removed an unecessary sentence. Then I crossed out some statements and added a note later.
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