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Dealing with depression

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OMG guys!!! I never thought this thread would be so well-received nor that it would actually help all of you! It really makes me so happy to see everyone commenting and sharing your stories, i know they're private and they're very difficult to share but it really brings a smile to my face to see that what started as a way to find help for myself and my own issues has become a thread about all of us helping each other, sorry i haven't been here for a while but i'm starting to re-take things that used to make me happy and i'm willing to get out of my past one way or another...
And i think it's about time that you guys know my story (it's fair that i as the one who made this thread finally shares her reason to make this in the very first place) so sit down and take your snacks cuz this is gonna be a bit long... I'll try to only take the highlights to make it shorter btw.
The backstory of my life is under the spoiler

THIS IS THE BACKSTORY OF MY LIFE, YOU CAN SKIP THIS IF YOU WANT TO
So it all started on elementary school, i was just a normal tiny and kind of chubby girl who everyone liked to bully... They called me names all the time, they made fun of me, my brother and my mother, every feature i have was a reason for people to bully me, my big eyes, the baby-fat i still had in my belly, the fact that i was very short, they used to call me fat, ugly, dwarf and really hurtful things for a little girl... The harassment was so bad for me that when i was 8 years old i tried to take my own life.. i was home alone so i got to the kitchen and got a knife, i was about to cut my wrists but then i started crying, put the knife away and ran to my room to cry, i don't have any childhood friends, my real friends were my plushies, my best friends were a teddy bear named "Lib" and a squirrell named "Rocky", sometimes my classmates became my "friends" just to use me while they were bored. I told my mother about it few times because i wanted to keep it a secret for her in order to not worry her (she doesn't know about my suicide attempt) so i've been dealing with this by my own for a long time, i've got no medication whatsoever because i've been trying to keep it only as an internal fight against myself. Oh and also, when i was 10, a couple of classmates tried to kill me by drowning me in a pool... While making fun of me for forgetting how to swim...
In secondary school things changed a bit, my old classmates respected me a little more and i wasn't bullied at that time (sadly, the insecurities and all the bad stuff they did to me were [and still are] so deep in my mind that well... the harm was already done, they could not undo it), but still i was unexcited about life, i wanted to die and everything was so dull to me... It was at that time that i found out about this game called Kingdom Hearts, my brother told me about it, and i played it because i thought that Sora was cute, i was hesitant about it at first because of all of the Disney influences and i thought it was dorky (teehee) but in the end i became really fond of that game because it gave me the strength i needed in my teenage years, it gave me hope and dreams, it gave me a lot and i know it may sound a bit dumb but a videogame helped me a lot during that time and if i could talk to Nomura (the creator of that game) i would really thank him for doing it because of all it gave to me.
Highschool was a bit better... or maybe just random years i spent without really doing anything important, those were dull years, but good things happened to me, i met my very best friend 3 years ago (in my last hs year) who after a year of not talking to each other (from mid 2013 to late 2014 thanks to a stupid ex of his) would now become my fiance, also around the end of 2011 i started cosplay, it has helped me a lot in my social development and issues, funny thing, i'm very shy and nervous about talking to other people but the very moment i put on a costume i feel strong and i become an open person who can talk to anyone who gets close, actually, cosplay helped me getting new friends as well as my best female friend and my now fiance, those two are my best of all best friends.

THIS PART IS SOMETHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO FULLY UNDERSTAND THE REASON I MADE THIS
3 years ago i started university and moved to another town, few months after starting i had to break up with a guy because he was starting to become possessive and controling, it was awful and disgusting, i broke up with him in early 2014 (btw, this guy is 8 years older than me and it's not very surprising.. but this guy is a total pedo) and i got very close to another guy in that same year (who's btw, 9 years older than me and yes, this is important), 2 months after breaking up with this other guy, we started dating.. Maybe that was a big mistake. I had a ldr (long distance relationship) with this guy (lets call him Rob) but things became darker with the passing of months, Rob became very distant to me (after he came to the town i'm studying and well... you know the deal.. we "did it") and while he was ignoring me, he was very kind to other girls at the mid to end of 2014 i was really sad, i didn't get out of my room and i stopped eating, i developed an eating desorder and i think that i have anorexia nervosa because every time i get sad i just don't feel hungry anymore... I had a lot of issues about my appereance and self-confidence, i felt so stupidly in love with that d-bag that everything he did could hurt me deeply, i was also psychologically abused by him, i was made to think that every single time he got mad at me was nothing but my fault, we broke up on october 2014 but kept in touch until he deleted me from fb on december 2014...

And here's the main reason i made this thread.

After Rob deleted me from fb (december 2014) i found shelter in another idiot who used to be a friend of mine.. let's call him John, who atm was trying to date my in that time best friend who i'll be calling Jane who exactly on december 2014 had "dumped" him and said she "hated" him ("dumped" because they never dated until july 2015) and well... we both knew each other's story from head to tail so we decided to try something on our own... We tried to become a couple, we had "some things going on" (if you know what i mean) but he had to move to another town to work, anyway, we kept in touch and got to know each other a little better from december to march 2015, it was during that time that i became very fond of him and trusted him a lot (BIG MISTAKE) he would usually ask for sexy pictures, i was hesitant to do so but he would insist so much that i would end up sending him one or two pictures on my undies, he kept doing this for some time so of course, he got good amount of pictures from me, on the first months of 2015 he was looking for a possibility to move to another town (that is actually the town Jane lives in) so i started to ignore him little by little in order to not affect Jane with this relationship. March 2015 came and he moved to that town, that's when i stopped talking to him almost entirely and i treated him as just a friend, few days later i saw that John and Jane had met each other once again (side note: Jane is from 2014 to this day obsessed with John... And yes, it's sickening), they kept getting together and "breaking up" almost every 2 weeks but it was until july 2015 when they finally started officially dating and i stopped talking to John completely so that i would have no problems with Jane, a lot of things happened (those two fighting every tuesday, this girl living with John in the same house and making big drama on fb for little things agaisnt John and Rob, my ex started talking to me again and said that he missed me and loved me [while he was telling other girls on fb how stunning they are and how in love he was with them because of their beauty] and of course, he tried to psychologically control me again, (it's thanks to my now fiance that i started caring less and less about Rob's emotional blackmail) he would talk very sweetly to me and from one minute to the other he would not trust me at all and even try to make me feel bad about him "trying to keep in touch with me and me ignoring him")
On december 2015, Jane and Rob found out about the pictures i sent to John 1 year ago (because this idiot would not delete those pictures from his fb inbox and someone hacked into his account and got everything this person needed, screenshots and the pictures and i think it might have been Jane because she had total access to his laptop), Jane even made threats to me saying that she'll break my face and beat me up if she ever gets so see me again, Rob went even further... by harrassing me on whatsapp and calling me a slut, a liar, a traitor, a cheater and even a double faced bitch. He harassed me ALL DAY LONG, i couldn't eat nor sleep for a whole week and i even wanted to kill myself.
It was on january 2016 that Jane made a fb page about my pictures and she along with my ex made fun of me and my ex even addressed to my now fiance saying that he spported me because i gave him some pu**y and he was only with me because of that, i was very afraid of being judged, my friends supported me all along, my fiance even fought against them and against trolls to protect me, he did a lot for me (and for that i'm eternally thankful because he did what no one would ever do for a person, he practically sacrificed himself to save me and i have no words to describe how thankful i am for this, it means a lot for me) also, a lot of people supported me and i got better as time passed by, that fb page got banned and few people care about that topic nowadays, my ex is now being ignored by a lot of people because of his trashy personality and Jane's life is miserable now, she keeps going in and out of the hole she's in (the memory of John), also, she started posting lingerie pictures in ig which is funny because that's exactly what she was slut-shaming me for. As for John, he's not happy with his life, some people actually hate him because of all of this and they blame him for not doing anything to help me (he was still living with Jane until january this year and he did nothing to help me, nor did he take any responsibility for his actions).

And that's it! I still have some ups and downs because of everything i've been through, i used to have a cosplay fanpage i made for myself but i'm still a bit afraid of making it public again, i know i have to get through this and a lot of friends have told me that i should make it public again but i still don't feel ready for that... I still have some self-confidence issues, i still cry some nights, few weeks ago i got so sad that i was about to jump from a bridge and had an anxiety attack, two weeks ago i got really sad because one of my roomies rescued a baby dog and i took care of her (the dog) but sadly, she was sick and died on my hands, last week i had another anxiety attack and couldn't eat anything for 45 hours straight, now i'm somehow dealing with my inner demons and now it's a fight against myself, i have the support of my fiance and best friend and i haven't talked to my family about my anxiety attacks and the things that have happened to me this last weeks because i don't want to worry them but this week i'm feeling better and i'm trying to get out of this by myself. It's hella hard but i know that with enough support from my loved ones and enough will from myself i'll get over this.


Sorry for making this ridiculously long, there's no tl;dr version of it i hope i haven't bored you.

I've been diagnosed when I was 9 in 2003 after several episodes of bullying that happened on school due to my appearance and short hair (the little brats used to call me "ugly", "lesbo", even "devilish" because I was too shy and liked unusual music and anime/games), the lack of dialogue and physical/verbal/psychological domestic abuse just made it worse and then I tried to kill myself to the first time when I was only 9 and guess what? No one and not even the fucking meds helped me as if was all my fault. Time was passing and I had very few friends (and some bad ones), average/bad grades, horribly low self esteem, I didn't even liked to have a proper dressing and used to wear giant pants and shirts because I used to believe I was disgusting and ugly. But when I decided to start dressing up and wear make up my fucking parents always were doing stupid jokes and saying I looked ugly, people will make fun of me  or how I looked like a hooker or would never marry a man and then I stopped wearing make up 

 

Once when I was a child the neighbors could listen my father hiting me and were going to call the police but my fucking mother (who's a extremely toxic person in all the meanings of the word) stopped them and then it was going on until I was almost 11 when he finally stopped. They always prefered to play the poor parents with a crazy and psycho daughter. But these were some of the many nasty things I've passed through, an episode of sexual harassment at home happened when I was 10 and I believe it was the main reason I actually identify myself as asexual (I still remember when this happened as if it happened yesterday, but there were still enough morons who SAW the scene and dare to say I was just dreaming or that I may be confused while this fucking person KNOWS it HAPPENED) 

 

The only things that make me lighter are music, my pets and my art, I think if I can't have nothing of this, living would be even more stressing and boring than already is 

 

I can't find any help unless through my art or my pets, most meds don't believe what I tell or don't seem to care enough 

 

Many other things happened but I'm not feeling safe enough to say or enter more details,  it would be way too long and I am afraid of someone I know in real life discover I said this here and I can get in serious trouble 

 

Ouch!!! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, nobody should suffer that much, nobody should go through the things you've been through. It may not help a lot but i believe you, meds should believe you as well because what you've been through is not an easy topic to forget, it's good that you have some things that can help you and i hope that you can get better in time. Please keep doing your art, don't let anyone nor anything stop you, if people critizice what you do, don't listen to them cause they know nothing about you, my best advice is for you to keep doing what you love, if you have friends, let them support you, we all need support in our lives but if you don't have anyone you feel confident enough to call a friend, try doing things to help you with that confidence, we all need friends, our friends are our power and they're really helpful, i'm sending you a big big hug and lots of love, you've got my support even though we don't know each other, all of us commenting have gone through our own type of hell and we all need that hug and support. I give you and the rest of the people commenting my most sincere hug and support and i hope that all of us can soon comment about all of us getting much better and being fully happy, just how we deserve to be.

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Its an everyday struggle for some, generally for all, whether it be no money, no companionship, stress, sadness, self-hatred all the way through to homelessness. Theres always going to be some aspect of your life that doesnt fit or makes things difficult for you to keep going. I deal with stress everyday from uni to home to friendships lost. Its hard. But i have to always remember that it could be worse and what can i do to fix the way i feel? Thats what it boils down to. How you feel about you. You are your own worst enemy and have the potential to hurt yourself more than anyone in this world (because you know yourself better than others), this is of course a personal perspective. When i am feeling like my life is a massive joke and also start to think of all the horrendously stupid embarresing things that ive done i really question my existence. The only way that ive managed to fix that is the way i feel about myself. I have a cat (best blessing of my life) and a loving and caring partner and family (wasnt always like this) and at anytime when im feeling low or depressed i talk about it, even to my cat. (Yes i talk to him) he may not respond in words but hes there listening. (Probably wanting me to shut up cause hes napping). 

But the point of this is. Youre not alone and if at anytime you feel that way post around and let me know because hey when youre feeling depressed or down you always have a mindset "i have no one" that is most definitely not true. I hope that things get better for everyone that has posted here or commented. Were all players in a cruel world, but were definitely not alone in our hearts and feelings. Much love to everyone ♡

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First of all, and I'm sure it has been said already, I think going through depression requires a lot of strength a lot of people don't even realize they have in them. To be honest, I'm not sure the "it could be worse" way of thinking is always appropriate because it can quickly trigger guilt and make you feel like you're potentially just faking things when, in reality, you're very much entitled to seeking help, be it through a professional or from your friends and other loved ones. It's brave to reach out just as much as it is brave to share your story and I really hope, and that kinda goes for everyone writing here, that things get easier to deal with if not better.

I'm not big on medication, to be honest; I've had my worst bouts of depression when I was going through a row of them (and surprise, none of them helped and I ended up with serotonine syndrome for a while). If you're seeking professional help, make sure you don't settle for the next psychologist or psychiatrist you come across. I've been lucky because my first psych passed me on to a woman who knows that mental illness require individual approaches in every single case (your brain is unique, so the approach to dealing with your particular depression should be too; it's not a matter of completely creating something out of thin air but the fine tuning should always be in your hands as you're the person feeling it).
I've been suffering with a handful of mental illnesses for a good decade and a half and it's a great feeling to know you have a professional on your side who actually takes your word seriously and doesn't simply put it off as uneducated blabbering.
If your therapist makes you unhappy or feel bad, you're entitled to look for other options. It's tedious, but on the long run it's worth it because you need someone who respects you and your thoughts.

I've gone through pretty severe bullying for stupid reasons back in elementary school and my family can be a toxic environment (they mean well but their means are questionable) so I've grown up developing personality disorders and never learning how to deal with my depression, eating disorder and anxiety until I was 19/20 and hit my current personal low. And I've grown to hate the phrase "it gets better" because it usually comes from such a patronising place and insinuates you just haven't done enough to get better yet, but with a good support system and ways to cope it gets easier. Better is always subjective, but I've come to find that I do still struggle with suicidal thoughts on a nearly day-to-day basis but it's become something very organic to my life (kind of imagine thinking "I wish I could kill myself" with the same intensity of "I should go shop for groceries one of these days"; it's normal and has become a passing thought).
Coping mechanisms are different but I'm pretty sure that with the replies you've gotten, there's a large array of options you could try your hand on – if they don't work, you can still look elsewhere.
But it's important that you don't let depression make you believe you're only entitled to feeling unhappy and unwell because the label is stuck on you now. You're more than your decisions, bad experiences or the sum of your flaws. And you're strong. We're all rooting for you.

… Okay, that was all really cheesy. But I really do hope my point does come across!

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I struggled with really bad depression after a few traumatic events... my story's a bit different I guess but yeah.

But still I would suggest you first to actually make a blood test and see if you probably have some kind of deficiency. Especially vit D3, it's hard to get during wintertime (don't know where you live, probably the sun shines every season where you live but here where I'm living, you barely get any sun during winter). Some also don't absorb vit D3 don't well. So I'd take a look into that and also try to find out if you're lacking any vitamin, it may be the cause for your depression or if it's not the cause it can worsen actual depression. So either way it's worth taking the test.

 

Honestly I started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) after I got depressed but it didn't help me personally. I kinda felt like she wasn't taking me seriously and always wanted me to not take what happened to me so seriously. But it was a serious situation. A really serious situation. So she was basically trying to make me invalidate my own feelings about what happened and that's just dumb. But if you wanna try it out, give it a shot. You may be lucky and find a good therapist who knows what he/she's doing.

There are all kinds of advices on the internet, like how you can take care of yourself better and how much more you need it now you're depressed and they suggest things like meeting friends or start a new hobby or whatever and if that helps you, good for you but it didn't really change anything for me.  

I also tried out some antidepressants and was kinda bummed out because they only made me feel more numb. And I was numb already. So that didn't work for me either.

After more than a year I was diagnosed with medium to heavy depression, it got worse and worse over time. And I didn't really know what to do. I was in a very complicated situation I hadn't created and it crashed my whole life and I did whatever I could do to improve the situation but the whole situation was incredibly tricky and I often felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place. When I did A, B wouldn't work out, or I actually could fix one problem but ten more popped up. And I felt so burnt out by all the problem-solving and my family didn't help. They never helped me. Instead they put the blame on me and I had to argue with them a lot while I was fighting for my existence. That's what went on or about three years, I was fighting all the time, had to deal with my destructive and toxic family, a lot of friends went from my life, who surely weren't real friends because they actually never had to help me with anything. I didn't draw them into my mess at all, I just asked for a few minutes here and there for me to talk about what was going on in my life and obviously that was too much to ask for them. Fun was certainly something I didn't have in these three years. And somewhere in the middle of it my energy just sort of left me, I was burnt out, fed up with my whole life and had noone to talk to.

My story how I got out of depression is a bit weird. Although I developed all kinds of stuff, like panic and anxiety attacks, after a while I realized although my life was still a mess, I actually did solve some things. And I thought I needed to aknowledge all the work I had done and that I was still standing, inspite of the fact that my life was still a big giant mess or that I had no clue how to get out of the whole situation. But after internalizing my few achievements, I had this one moment where I thought "well, my life's falling apart BUT I can rely on me!" - that's when a feeling of hope came back and I was like "I can do this. I can!". (And three years later I am still working on the situation because it's that complicated BUT so many things have improved! Only took me six years all in all but even I can't make miracles happen LOL) And with that hope a lot of other feelings came back too. It took me a whole year til all the numbness faded but it gradually did. And I'm freaking grateful about it and not to mention extremely proud. I also got so many compliments the last years whenever I confided in someone, some of them were actually blown away by how far I've come. So I'm really proud and confidence has improved 100%. Also, heck I've become a good problem-solver. It's really my strength.  

I think you can only beat your depression if you can find the root for it. Is it a situation or probably some sort of chemical imbalance? If you can find that out, you'll most likely come out of it one day. I know quite a lot of people who did.

 

 

Edited by ThePumpkinPot
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I don't know, these days. Have been actively seeing a shrink and psych to prescribe me pills since I was a kid. Still see them as an adult. They certainly are a help to me, even if combination depression and anxiety isn't my sole problem. I've learned a fair amount of coping mechanisms over the years, but nothing else really quite improves my mood like an outlet that allows me to vent my frustrations. That aforementioned outlet tends to- more often than not- be artistic; writing, editing, or drawing, where I can convey my extremely shitty mood to something fairly privatized without having public meltdowns like I used to when I was much younger & couldn't control myself.

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Ouch!!! I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, nobody should suffer that much, nobody should go through the things you've been through. It may not help a lot but i believe you, meds should believe you as well because what you've been through is not an easy topic to forget, it's good that you have some things that can help you and i hope that you can get better in time. Please keep doing your art, don't let anyone nor anything stop you, if people critizice what you do, don't listen to them cause they know nothing about you, my best advice is for you to keep doing what you love, if you have friends, let them support you, we all need support in our lives but if you don't have anyone you feel confident enough to call a friend, try doing things to help you with that confidence, we all need friends, our friends are our power and they're really helpful, i'm sending you a big big hug and lots of love, you've got my support even though we don't know each other, all of us commenting have gone through our own type of hell and we all need that hug and support. I give you and the rest of the people commenting my most sincere hug and support and i hope that all of us can soon comment about all of us getting much better and being fully happy, just how we deserve to be.

 

thank you so much ^_^

after I posted I felt like I should have delete my post because once I said one of these things in some "life matters" forum at FB and after my story being called "bs" I got banned, but even thought it's a little unbelivable it really happened and I would NEVER lie about such things. I don't know if I will ever forget this and after this episode of when I was 10 I don't think I'll ever enjoy sex to a guy neither a lady, although I had some interests to a guy of my city and a crossdresser/transgender (?) girl of my college just by imagining the genitals........excited........you know.......... makes me feel gross and sick. I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship

Maybe it has something to do with what happened earlier like the school bullying and home negligency/manipulation but after researching I noticed I not just can't smile naturally but I have most of the symptoms of misanthropy (but maybe I can be mistaken), I feel a lot of hate and I really hate being around people (and feel so good close to animals and plants), they annoy me SO MUCH specially when it comes to straight couples (doing couple things in public :beardo:), loud people, teens, spoiled children, homo/transphobes and dumb people in general, I really dislike and get annoyed easily going out home and feel so much better when people aren't around, one more reason that I think I wouldn't ever be in a relationship (just by thinking in being called "baby", "honey", "love" specially in public makes me cringe to hell) 

One month ago I had a loss and I think it was one of the worst ones I've experienced but no one apart from my friends actually respects me because they are ignorant enough to think you can only grieve for humans or their mistreated and obese dogs. The loss I'm talking about was my pet rabbit, I tried everything to save her including leaving behind college and bills but even the best wild/exotic vets couldn't make it. Some vets refused to do her surgery even knowing it was an emergency just because I had insufficient money. Everything is being so more harder and the house is so eerie without her, even my other pets knows she's gone. She was my most precious gift and what I heard from my fucking family was "you're like that just because of a rabbit", "let her die already and buy new clothes with this money" (- this came from a """""""""animal lover"""""""""), but the worst was the same toxic person who was the first one to attack me when I wasn't even eating well in fear of losing her: "forget it already, I won't pay for her surgery and I will buy a little dog because they 'show love for the owner' and are better". Very nice way to treat someone who's in deep despair eh? This person is so dumb and so fucking selfish that wanted one of these ugly lab breed dogs just to say look at me my doggy costed $1,200 but after realizing its not just a toy this person thankfully gave up on this. 

Visits are better treated than me, sometimes I feel like I'm a slave. I fucking despise these people and although I'm agnostic I hope they burn in hell for eternity but I can't get ride of them yet, but even if I manage to get rid of them the scars are unfortunately permanent and I no longer will be someone "normal". 

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hey guys, probably this is nor the best place to post this. I know i don't have a depression, or neither do i feel depressive constantly. bus some days i have this pain inside of my chest.. like a have a big hole.. and i cry all day. i can't stop crying, and i can't figure it out why. if people look at me they probably think someone i love passed, or something serious. i feel it.. the pain.

 did any of you ever feel this? i have it very rarely, maybe once every month / every two months. 

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hey guys, probably this is nor the best place to post this. I know i don't have a depression, or neither do i feel depressive constantly. bus some days i have this pain inside of my chest.. like a have a big hole.. and i cry all day. i can't stop crying, and i can't figure it out why. if people look at me they probably think someone i love passed, or something serious. i feel it.. the pain.

 did any of you ever feel this? i have it very rarely, maybe once every month / every two months. 

 

My depression got better but it happens to me from time to time with little triggers. It could be that you are slightly bipolar perhaps (it's actually a symptom of depression, but not necessarily actually having the bipolar disorder, just mood swings) or you may have some things unresolved from the past that make you feel this way?

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My depression got better but it happens to me from time to time with little triggers. It could be that you are slightly bipolar perhaps (it's actually a symptom of depression, but not necessarily actually having the bipolar disorder, just mood swings) or you may have some things unresolved from the past that make you feel this way?

 

thank you so much for your answer. im starting to thing that it might be anxiety. i can get annoyed very easily (irritated).. i usually don't feel down or depressed, but my mood is never the happiest.. it can also be things from the past, but that wouldn't make sense. i feel like i resolved all of my past issues... 

im not sure if i should go to a doctor, if i keep having these depressive days. all i do is cry and stay sad, because that is all i can feel. but the next day i might feel happy, can't even drop a tear (unless it has to do with happiness) 

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thank you so much for your answer. im starting to thing that it might be anxiety. i can get annoyed very easily (irritated).. i usually don't feel down or depressed, but my mood is never the happiest.. it can also be things from the past, but that wouldn't make sense. i feel like i resolved all of my past issues... 

im not sure if i should go to a doctor, if i keep having these depressive days. all i do is cry and stay sad, because that is all i can feel. but the next day i might feel happy, can't even drop a tear (unless it has to do with happiness) 

 

I would recommend seeing your doctor if it's a regular thing. You've nothing to lose, and he may refer you to somebody who may know how to deal with these sorts of things, it really can help :) 

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I would recommend seeing your doctor if it's a regular thing. You've nothing to lose, and he may refer you to somebody who may know how to deal with these sorts of things, it really can help :) 

 

thank you! thank you! and by the way happy new year  :meowplz:

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thank you! thank you! and by the way happy new year  :meowplz:

 

Thank you :) hope everything turns out okay for you, take care! :meowplz:

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Hi guys,

I also have something to confess.

I’m from an Asian country and being sponsored by my government to study at a renown university in London (top 10 in the world) in the field of life sciences. During my first year, I admit, that I really enjoyed things there and went all out and kind of leaving my studies behind although I know I shouldn’t be doing that at all (because I’m using the money paid by government and tax-payers which are of course, the citizens.) I think I became like this because I forgot that without hard work, I’m bound to fail and the expectation for students’ performance from the university was ridiculously high.

Then, when the results were out, I was left devastated because I had failed all papers except 1 and the marks were VERY LOW as well. I got shocked because it was such a first time for me to see those marks altogether in my life. It’s like, I didn’t study anything at all which is completely not true. Then, my university decided to make me repeat my first year and I agreed but I did this in secret- I didn’t tell my sponsor body that I was going to repeat my first year. They didn’t know.

Since then, I started to get depressed and thought about a lot of things and the saddest thing is that I kept all these feelings to myself. Almost all the time, I compared myself with my housemates, whom can graduate on time and can proudly show off to their other friends back in our country that they are on their way to become successful because in my country, having a degree from a top university overseas means that you already achieved something huge in your life. I also kept blaming myself for being stupid and had to repeat my first year which, obviously, no one in my course ever did. 

Fast forward, I’m on my second year now and had developed anxiety disorder due to the constant pressure and traumatic experience when I first failed the exam. I still had to resit 3 modules during the late summer, but because of my anxiety taking over me, I skipped the exam and decided to take a gap year as I want to focus on my mental health and well being with my family by my side.

On a serious note tho, there was this one night when I felt the most miserable and couldn’t stop crying and mentally breaking down because my heart couldn’t stop beating vigorously in fear of sitting down for an exam paper the next day. I was alone in my room that night, and I had opened my window for many times, wishing that I have the bravery to jump out of it so that I could release the pain from inside me and ending my life altogether. I considered it very seriously tho, but one of my housemates checked in on me few times because she sensed something dangerous about me and I had to pretend that I was studying every time she knocked on my door. 

Now, having been free from that university and spending my time quietly with my family, I am thinking of quitting the uni because I feel like it is the sole reason for my anxiety and depression after all. I feel like the degree is not worth risking my mental health for and I don’t want to force myself believing that I could eventually pass and completing my 3-year-studies anymore. I want to stop this suffering but unfortunately my parents don’t see it the same way as me :’) They are the typical Asian parents who believe that those who study will get great results while those who fail are the ones who are lazy enough and undeserving of any respect from the society. 

Let me quote what my dad said to me after I told him that I want to quit, “I feel like raising you is useless after all. You didn’t return with any qualification, and that in itself is such an embarrassment to our family.”

I cried in my mind for what I remember a few hours that night. :’) Suddenly my depression worsen and I would wake up or couldn’t sleep at all at night thinking about the benefits of me committing suicide on behalf of my family. But really, it’s like what matters at the end is the result and not my feelings at all. I wonder if they really care about me or if they are my real family members. Lately, I couldn’t stop myself from google-ing the most lethal methods to suicide and I found out that hanging is one of the most reliable methods and easy and painless. 

So what do you think guys? :) 

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depression is a weird thing. sometimes you feel numb and sad at the same time and other days you feel physically tired even though you were home all day doing absolutely nothing. everyone around me thinks im lazy but i just have no energy to do stuff and somedays it makes me feel like maybe im just faking it and they are right about me being lazy :alpacaworry2:

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