I made a terrible mistake and I need an outlet, so I'm using this here. This is going to sound like some fanfiction, because I want to be less afraid of communicating my thoughts.
When I was younger and more naive, I felt really damn lonely. I had just lost my friend group because I didn't have a phone to communicate with them, moreover I didn't bother trying to further our relationships. So I was back to the initial loneliness. I pulled out my laptop, browsed around the internet and later found an invitation to a Skype group on a blogging platform full with people with mutual interests. They were people my age and thus in a similar stage of life as I was. They expressed everything they struggled with openly, so I offered them advice and encouragement, which has made me become well-liked in the group.
As it went on, I frequently received messages from the creator of the Skype group. I will call her K. She was a friendly and witty girl, but sadly suffered from depression and was somehow unable to make friends in the real world. K seemed to be accepting of her circumstances and never bothered to try doing anything different than spending her time on the internet. I sound spiteful, but it's hard not to be upset, as I link her to the cause of my anxiety problems, even if it was actually my fault.
I was never very interested in her, as she seemed like the kind of person to be loaded with personal issues, and I didn't want to deal with that. It would require me to be especially intimate with her. Despite everything, we kept talking to each other because I was understanding of her and our senses of humor were compatible.
Eventually, I became interested in a girl other than her in the Skype group, C. Finding something to talk about always came easy to us and we weren't afraid to talk about more challenging and underlying issues with the world and everything. We even sent gifts to each other every now and then. I fantasized about kissing C and had dreams about being intimate with her, and before I could ask her if we ever wanted to meet each other, I was approached by K.
She told me that I had saved her from committing suicide and that she had developed a crush on me. This was entirely unprecedented and I didn't know what to have of it. I couldn't reject her! What if she spiraled into an even deeper depression? If she killed herself, it would be my fault. I tried to see the benefits of this relationship. I was confident C wouldn't reciprocate my feelings anyway, so it seemed more appealing to avoid potential conflict and instead date K, who had just excitedly confessed to me.
K declared to the Skype group that we were now boyfriend and girlfriend. I realized it was a mistake when I noticed that C began to remove herself from me. In the face of that problem, I forced myself to think that I had actually loved K all along. To nourish our relationship, I was affectionate with her every day, until it would prove to be useless when she broke up with me two weeks later. Her reasoning was that she couldn't stand the pressure of "feeling something for me". She was overwhelmed being loaded by my affection and became irritated. We didn't talk for a few days.
I realized I had become attached to her. That's good, I thought. I finally feel something for her. "To win back her love", I heroically dedicated her the song I had initially played for C, and became successful with it. In the next few months, we dated off and on. I thought it was bold of me to suffer just to win her attention and affection. Usually whenever K got angry with me or told me off, I had an anxiety attack that would last at least an hour. I was absolutely delusional! She boasted about being an unfeeling sociopath, she became a bit more vocal about me constantly expressing my feelings towards her. It became the only thing I could focus on, I slacked off in school and ruined my good grades. I always ended up hurt because of her attitude, joking about wanting to die and generally being a negative and unpleasant person. I didn't care, I didn't care about anything.
K proposed a meeting in February. Why am I so anxious about meeting her, I thought. Well, I might just be excited. This is a pretty big thing. What am I going to do after meeting her? I think I might just kill myself after this. I don't have anything else to do, anyway. I booked a flight and landed with the plane an hour later. I ran towards her as she sprinted and threw herself into my open arms. K was absolutely delirious with joy, but I was a nervous wreck. Her parents drove us to K's home. She leaned on my shoulder as she hugged me tight. I almost burst a vein before meeting you, I told her. When we arrived, I had a conversation with her parents. I got along with them even better than with K herself!
And, uh, we mostly spent our time on the internet, because she refused to go outside. She was willing to show me a few sights two days later, when she dissociated due to a mental illness. The meeting was too much for her. I was almost always on the brink of crying each moment I spent with her and finally broke down in tears at a diner the day before departure. I can't do it, I said. Fuck, I can't do it anymore. The next morning K's parents drove me to the airport. It was terrible. I remember her disappointed, yet cold face.
She stopped replying to my messages. I suffered for a month, stopped caring for myself. My grades were pathetic, my parents frustrated and the mood was tense. K messaged me and it started all over again. This time I made sure I would stay in contact. I got myself a phone and we wrote each other every day. Whenever the phone buzzed, I wasn't able to resist the urge to reply to her text during the lesson, leading me into complications with the teachers. I ended up having to repeat the grade. I was devastated, but I kept going with K.
One year had passed since her confession. I limited contact with her March of this year. I stopped talking to her altogether. I briefly came back to her once in May and June respectively, and disappeared again after a week or two. I didn't tell her why, because I was terrified of her judgement every single time I talked to her. I'm still terrified. I blocked her now. I can't tell her anything right now. I'm trying to forget about everything that happened in the past year.
Still, whenever I find something funny on the internet, I automatically think about sending it to her. I'm trying to recover by forming new friendships, one of which was successful.
It felt like one big near death experience.