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About sprudel

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sprudel's Activity

  1. sprudel added a post in a topic I ruined myself for a girl   

    Thank you CopyKat, late or not, I'm happy you decided to reply.
    It's been some time since that post, I'm in a much better place now. It's come to my understanding that I can't reject the way I feel about a situation, and I should instead try to invite those feelings and let them gently pass by. I can't say I've fully gotten over the events with K, but it's getting better, slowly but surely.
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  2. sprudel added a post in a topic Simply_Kenna/cozykitsune [Thread 4]   

    @Yumeno Yeah, if there isn't anything else then that must be it! Thank you!
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  3. sprudel added a post in a topic Simply_Kenna/cozykitsune [Thread 4]   

    Does anybody have a screenshot of Kenna's comments about Orwell's Animal Farm? It was discussed in the second thread and the file is broken. 

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  4. sprudel added a post in a topic Simply_Kenna/cozykitsune [Thread 4]   

    Ah I didn't catch it, thank you
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  5. sprudel added a post in a topic Simply_Kenna/cozykitsune [Thread 4]   

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  6. sprudel added a post in a topic Sexuality/Gender   

    - Do people who identify with them/they get the same kind of hate that people do who are bisexual? 
    Hm, I don't think it's comparable. Though I believe there is some increasing stigma against people who use they/them since the rise of special snowflakes or transtrenders (people that publicly claim to be trans to get attention from others)
    - What do you think of people who identify as a male but keep the stereotypical style and look of a female?
    They're cool, but they can't expect to be called with the proper pronouns if they haven't transitioned at all and/or show obvious female features. 
    - What are your thought on transphobia? Do you think people are inherently transphobic?
    It's bad, and no, I don't think so.
    - Do you think people are becoming more accepting to LGBTQ+?
    Yeah, at least more attending.
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  7. sprudel added a post in a topic Negative views about myself and diligence   

    I think it can be applied to academics as well!
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  8. sprudel added a post in a topic I ruined myself for a girl   

    @Sodapop: Thank you so much for your elaborate response! This is going to help me remind myself how much I actually need to care for myself and what attitude I should have towards others! As well as yours, @Kimplysenna! I have struggled with this, as I felt guilty for "ghosting" her. After this, I think, I can gently call it off. 
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  9. sprudel added a post in a topic Anime Discussion   

    I might as well list my personal Top 5 - I don't know many anime I liked so much as to include them in a favourites list
    1. Currently my absolute favourite is Neon Genesis Evangelion - I love the visuals, characters, everything. 
    2. Serial Experiments Lain - another mindfuckery, but I find it very entertaining and interesting. 
    3. Detective Conan - my very first anime, somehow I keep boomeranging back to it every few weeks. Something about it is just so appealing. 
    4. Steins;Gate - very fond of the first season, not so much Steins;Gate 0. It just doesn't have the charm I liked about season 1.
    5. Toradora! - I only read the manga because it's funny, entertaining and has nice art - the anime, not so much. It's almost unbearable..
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  10. sprudel added a post in a topic Random Chat Thread   

    I understand, it's good you take it easy on you. Of course it's disappointing, but you're going to have to respect his feelings. I can empathize, since just a while ago a very close friend left my state for good and cut off contact with everyone over here to start a new life with her boyfriend. I'm very sad, and I'm not ready to leave her behind, but it's just something that has to happen, I suppose
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  11. sprudel added a post in a topic KotaKoti ( Dakota ) GENERAL thread   

  12. sprudel added a post in a topic Random Chat Thread   

    It's going to take a while to forget him, so try to do lots of good things for yourself and talk to other people, eventually he'll become a faint memory. It's not easy, you're going to have many more moments where you think back and feel this way, but don't let it hold you back. Keep that light of yours shining
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  13. sprudel added a topic in Health & Wellbeing   

    I ruined myself for a girl
    I made a terrible mistake and I need an outlet, so I'm using this here. This is going to sound like some fanfiction, because I want to be less afraid of communicating my thoughts.
    When I was younger and more naive, I felt really damn lonely. I had just lost my friend group because I didn't have a phone to communicate with them, moreover I didn't bother trying to further our relationships. So I was back to the initial loneliness. I pulled out my laptop, browsed around the internet and later found an invitation to a Skype group on a blogging platform full with people with mutual interests. They were people my age and thus in a similar stage of life as I was. They expressed everything they struggled with openly, so I offered them advice and encouragement, which has made me become well-liked in the group. 
    As it went on, I frequently received messages from the creator of the Skype group. I will call her K. She was a friendly and witty girl, but sadly suffered from depression and was somehow unable to make friends in the real world. K seemed to be accepting of her circumstances and never bothered to try doing anything different than spending her time on the internet. I sound spiteful, but it's hard not to be upset, as I link her to the cause of my anxiety problems, even if it was actually my fault.
    I was never very interested in her, as she seemed like the kind of person to be loaded with personal issues, and I didn't want to deal with that. It would require me to be especially intimate with her. Despite everything, we kept talking to each other because I was understanding of her and our senses of humor were compatible. 
    Eventually, I became interested in a girl other than her in the Skype group, C. Finding something to talk about always came easy to us and we weren't afraid to talk about more challenging and underlying issues with the world and everything. We even sent gifts to each other every now and then. I fantasized about kissing C and had dreams about being intimate with her, and before I could ask her if we ever wanted to meet each other, I was approached by K.
    She told me that I had saved her from committing suicide and that she had developed a crush on me. This was entirely unprecedented and I didn't know what to have of it. I couldn't reject her! What if she spiraled into an even deeper depression? If she killed herself, it would be my fault. I tried to see the benefits of this relationship. I was confident C wouldn't reciprocate my feelings anyway, so it seemed more appealing to avoid potential conflict and instead date K, who had just excitedly confessed to me. 
    K declared to the Skype group that we were now boyfriend and girlfriend. I realized it was a mistake when I noticed that C began to remove herself from me. In the face of that problem, I forced myself to think that I had actually loved K all along. To nourish our relationship, I was affectionate with her every day, until it would prove to be useless when she broke up with me two weeks later. Her reasoning was that she couldn't stand the pressure of "feeling something for me". She was overwhelmed being loaded by my affection and became irritated. We didn't talk for a few days. 
    I realized I had become attached to her. That's good, I thought. I finally feel something for her. "To win back her love", I heroically dedicated her the song I had initially played for C, and became successful with it. In the next few months, we dated off and on. I thought it was bold of me to suffer just to win her attention and affection. Usually whenever K got angry with me or told me off, I had an anxiety attack that would last at least an hour. I was absolutely delusional! She boasted about being an unfeeling sociopath, she became a bit more vocal about me constantly expressing my feelings towards her. It became the only thing I could focus on, I slacked off in school and ruined my good grades. I always ended up hurt because of her attitude, joking about wanting to die and generally being a negative and unpleasant person. I didn't care, I didn't care about anything. 
    K proposed a meeting in February. Why am I so anxious about meeting her, I thought. Well, I might just be excited. This is a pretty big thing. What am I going to do after meeting her? I think I might just kill myself after this. I don't have anything else to do, anyway. I booked a flight and landed with the plane an hour later. I ran towards her as she sprinted and threw herself into my open arms. K was absolutely delirious with joy, but I was a nervous wreck. Her parents drove us to K's home. She leaned on my shoulder as she hugged me tight. I almost burst a vein before meeting you, I told her. When we arrived, I had a conversation with her parents. I got along with them even better than with K herself! 
    And, uh, we mostly spent our time on the internet, because she refused to go outside. She was willing to show me a few sights two days later, when she dissociated due to a mental illness. The meeting was too much for her. I was almost always on the brink of crying each moment I spent with her and finally broke down in tears at a diner the day before departure. I can't do it, I said. Fuck, I can't do it anymore. The next morning K's parents drove me to the airport. It was terrible. I remember her disappointed, yet cold face. 
    She stopped replying to my messages. I suffered for a month, stopped caring for myself. My grades were pathetic, my parents frustrated and the mood was tense. K messaged me and it started all over again. This time I made sure I would stay in contact. I got myself a phone and we wrote each other every day. Whenever the phone buzzed, I wasn't able to resist the urge to reply to her text during the lesson, leading me into complications with the teachers. I ended up having to repeat the grade. I was devastated, but I kept going with K.
    One year had passed since her confession. I limited contact with her March of this year. I stopped talking to her altogether. I briefly came back to her once in May and June respectively, and disappeared again after a week or two. I didn't tell her why, because I was terrified of her judgement every single time I talked to her. I'm still terrified. I blocked her now. I can't tell her anything right now. I'm trying to forget about everything that happened in the past year. 
    Still, whenever I find something funny on the internet, I automatically think about sending it to her. I'm trying to recover by forming new friendships, one of which was successful. 
    It felt like one big near death experience. 
    Any thoughts?
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  14. sprudel added a post in a topic Show your faces   

  15. sprudel added a post in a topic Negative views about myself and diligence   

    How many people struggle with this issue! Every artist once felt exactly like you do. I'm stuck in the same place, as well! It takes a long time to shake yourself out of this state. I suppose one way to solve this issue is to have a disciplined approach to creating things. You see, the problem isn't with the creative process itself, it's actually making the decision to create something. If you have a negative view about yourself then better change that first. Why is it that being negative about yourself has more of a point than being positive? 
    Unfortunately, in this day and age, we are increasingly worried about feeling bored, and we evade that feeling by browsing the internet. I recommend watching this video to help you feel more motivated about reaching the conclusion that you want to limit your time on the internet.
    (Don't be mad at yourself if it doesn't work out all the time, sometimes, when we know that nothing good can come out of us today, we kill time by doing something meaningless. Not every day has to be productive, because you NEED the unproductive time to catch some breath for the productive time. TRY limiting your time on the internet, though.)
    I might add more later. I'm about to leave for shopping, so this was a little brief. Hope it was useful, though.
    The creative surge will come. I assure you.
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